Human
beings, and especially children, learn every day. We know this, and yet it is
easy to forget that most of the learning that is done does not involve
textbooks. As human beings, we learn who we can depend on, who is a reliable
source of information, who can dependably get a job done quickly, how a person
will react to unexpected information, and what a person’s priorities are. We
learn who we can trust and who we can’t. Children are the same way.
In
the life of a child, the people they are biologically wired to look to for value
are their parents. It can be exhausting trying to field the endless barrage of questions,
requests, and demands. Sometimes, we just need a break, and that’s ok. But, it
is also important to be mindful of the message that we are giving to our
children every time we lose patience or tell them too busy for them.
Every interaction we have
with our children leaves an impression. Every time they interrupt a project we
are working on they are asking, “Am I more important than the thing you are
doing right now?” When work routinely takes precedent over the felt needs of
the child, they learn that they are not as important as their parents’ career,
money, status, or whatever else they hear their parents talk about.
Obviously, work is
important and essential for the wellbeing of the family, but often times it can
be overdone, or children can feel like it is the higher priority because
their parents are distracted while at home. In situations where there simply isn’t
time to give a child the attention they crave, whether because of disability,
financial hardship, a single parent household, etc., communication is an
important tool to help overcome any feelings of insignificance. Without putting
all the weight of the burdens of life on the child, simply being acknowledged
and included in some kind of discourse about the family situation can help
their sense of worth tremendously.
Something like, “I know
I haven’t had a lot of time to spend with you lately, and I’m really sorry. It
isn’t that I don’t want to, but there are some things going on right now that
mean I have to work these extra hours, so we can continue to do _____. I hope
that the situation will change soon so we can spend more time together. And, I
hope you know that I love you, and I always want to be here for you if you need
me.”
When parents are not
around- when a child is in school- they take cues about their worth from the
people they interact with most- from teachers, peers, and faculty. Some of
these interactions can be positive, and many of them are often negative. All of
the thoughts and emotions are placed into a scale, and it balances out based on
the child’s personality and the amount of “weight” they assign to each
interaction.
Over time, children begin
to associate emotions with the various people in their lives. They will be less
likely to go to people who are emotionally unavailable or overly critical to
help them with their emotional needs. People who take an active interest in the
child and are emotionally available are more likely to have lasting and vibrant
relationships with the child as they grow up.
Let this be an
encouragement to you to slow down in your day-to-day life. Children like to be involved
in “real life” things, too, so slow down and let them learn alongside you. Memories
don’t have to be made with expensive excursions to exotic places. Some of the
best memories are made doing ordinary life together.
