Everyday Learning

            Human beings, and especially children, learn every day. We know this, and yet it is easy to forget that most of the learning that is done does not involve textbooks. As human beings, we learn who we can depend on, who is a reliable source of information, who can dependably get a job done quickly, how a person will react to unexpected information, and what a person’s priorities are. We learn who we can trust and who we can’t. Children are the same way.

            In the life of a child, the people they are biologically wired to look to for value are their parents. It can be exhausting trying to field the endless barrage of questions, requests, and demands. Sometimes, we just need a break, and that’s ok. But, it is also important to be mindful of the message that we are giving to our children every time we lose patience or tell them too busy for them.

Every interaction we have with our children leaves an impression. Every time they interrupt a project we are working on they are asking, “Am I more important than the thing you are doing right now?” When work routinely takes precedent over the felt needs of the child, they learn that they are not as important as their parents’ career, money, status, or whatever else they hear their parents talk about.

Obviously, work is important and essential for the wellbeing of the family, but often times it can be overdone, or children can feel like it is the higher priority because their parents are distracted while at home. In situations where there simply isn’t time to give a child the attention they crave, whether because of disability, financial hardship, a single parent household, etc., communication is an important tool to help overcome any feelings of insignificance. Without putting all the weight of the burdens of life on the child, simply being acknowledged and included in some kind of discourse about the family situation can help their sense of worth tremendously.

Something like, “I know I haven’t had a lot of time to spend with you lately, and I’m really sorry. It isn’t that I don’t want to, but there are some things going on right now that mean I have to work these extra hours, so we can continue to do _____. I hope that the situation will change soon so we can spend more time together. And, I hope you know that I love you, and I always want to be here for you if you need me.”

When parents are not around- when a child is in school- they take cues about their worth from the people they interact with most- from teachers, peers, and faculty. Some of these interactions can be positive, and many of them are often negative. All of the thoughts and emotions are placed into a scale, and it balances out based on the child’s personality and the amount of “weight” they assign to each interaction.

Over time, children begin to associate emotions with the various people in their lives. They will be less likely to go to people who are emotionally unavailable or overly critical to help them with their emotional needs. People who take an active interest in the child and are emotionally available are more likely to have lasting and vibrant relationships with the child as they grow up.

Let this be an encouragement to you to slow down in your day-to-day life. Children like to be involved in “real life” things, too, so slow down and let them learn alongside you. Memories don’t have to be made with expensive excursions to exotic places. Some of the best memories are made doing ordinary life together.

Childhood Learning Environments and Their Impact on Emotional Intelligence (and why it matters)

 

               A young boy rides home from school, alone on the school bus. His face and clothes are dirty from being pushed down on the playground at recess; he spent lunch with his teacher, because a classmate falsely accused him of stealing a pudding cup. Today in class, he learned about all of the injustice in the world, and that his classmates don’t like it when he does well on tests. He learned to keep to himself to avoid trouble. Tired and embarrassed, he declines to answer questions about his day over dinner, and instead eats quietly and then excuses himself to go finish his homework and crawl into bed- resigned to repeat the same, humiliating routine tomorrow.

              Stories like this are not uncommon in public schools. Children self-segregate into groups based on the labels given to them by themselves or others, and strong children from troubled homes pick on classmates who stand out for one reason or another. Children from all backgrounds are thrown together into a big melting pot, of sorts, and parents hope that they will make it through unscathed. Most of them don’t. According to the National Center for Drug Abuse Statistics, twenty-one percent of eighth graders have tried an illicit drug at least once, and almost fifty percent will have tried drugs by twelfth grade. Sixty-two percent of teens 12-17 years old have abused alcohol by twelfth grade. Eleven percent of overdose deaths are in youth 15-24 years old.

              Sandstone Care, a recovery center for adolescents struggling with substance abuse, lists five different reasons why students start using drugs and alcohol: peer pressure, self-medication and escape, performance improvement, Experimentation, and to feel grown up. In a nutshell, many teens begin abusing drugs, at least in part, because of a lack of emotional Intelligence. Students feel unable to handle the social and academic stressors of the classroom setting.

According to Psychology Today, “Emotional intelligence refers to the ability to identify and manage one’s own emotions, as well as the emotions of others.” It enables individuals to navigate social scenarios based on one’s own feelings and the perceived feelings of others, allowing positive experiences and relationships to flourish. Emotional intelligence enables an individual to make others feel heard and cared for, while also exercising restraint when insults occur. It creates a sort of “buffer zone” between individuals, so they can interact and work together peacefully, without a lot of friction.

Emotional Intelligence consists of five main components: self-awareness, self-regulation, motivation, empathy, and social skills. It requires an awareness of one’s own triggers and motivators, and also the ability to anticipate the emotional responses of those they interact with. Higher emotional intelligence not only increases confidence, but also enables more positive interactions between people.

High emotional intelligence has implications far beyond high school. According to Forbes, emotional intelligence is the strongest predictor of performance, explaining a full 58% of success in all types of jobs. They also concluded that each point increase in emotional intelligence equates to $1,300 increase in annual income, regardless of location, demographic, or industry.

Emotional intelligence can have life-changing ramifications. And, it is learned. Unlike IQ and personality, which have an impact on success but cannot be altered much, emotional intelligence is something that develops with a person.

Much of this kind of learning is done during the early years in whatever environment one grows up in. For many, this looks like the inside of a classroom- the same setting every day, with the same people every day, experiencing the same pressures and embarrassments every day, sitting through hours of lectures that do not seem relevant to anything tangible. Children learn from the people around them, so when they are surrounded only by their peers, day in and day out, there is very little emotional maturing that can happen.

Conversely, some children learn in the safety of their homes. They are allowed to have some control over their learning experience, get more sleep, and grow up in an environment where learning is encouraged and celebrated instead of ridiculed. The homeschool experience is often more varied, and includes more real-world experiences as the family runs errands, attends get-togethers, classes, and field trips. Homeschool children are able to adapt to a wide variety of social situations.

As a result, peer-reviewed studies on social, emotional, and psychological development show homeschool students perform significantly better than those in conventional schools. They also feel better prepared for college and life after school, and are being sought after, more and more, by colleges because of the level of positive engagement they bring to the campus.

Emotional intelligence is an important facet of the individual’s personal portfolio. It can be learned at any age, but like most things, is best learned in childhood. What’s more, the relationships that are formed in childhood, good and bad, have an impact on the child for the rest of their lives.